That One Thing I’ve Been Waiting For

family-1-yearEver since we started getting ready for the birth of Ean, I always knew or assumed that Ana and he would have a special bond. After all, she is his creator and the first “thing” he’s known in this world. I just assumed that over the first couple of months, and including hearing my voice and presence while he was still in the belly, he would gradually get closer to me.

After 4 months, when Ana went back to work and I took on the roll of stay at home dad, he was still all about mama. I thought for sure, now that he would be with me for the majority of the time, we would finally bond. It didn’t happen as he was constantly waiting for her to appear. When he finally got his mom-time for his daily boob lunch and when she finally came home after work he was over the moon, and I was over the hill. Happy about being a father, but exhausted from always being basically invisible for him when his mother was around… it slowly started gnawing on me and my confidence as a father.

There were many days where I would quickly pass him onto her as soon as soon she came home from work and I’d go into another room just to be alone and gather myself for a moment. At the time I didn’t know exactly why. I guess I thought I was just an exhausted parent, taking a moment for myself before returning into the living room with them because, after all, I missed being with them, all three of us together as a family. Continue reading